We never know what to say. We feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Surrounded by the deepest grief, enveloped in the greatest pain, we hate this part of life more than any other experience.
And there’s the rub. “Death is as much a part of life as life itself.”
That’s a quote from my own mother when we were grieving the death of her mother, my maternal grandmother. How ironic that the end of life is part of life…but it’s not the part that feels good, not so much the part of life we enjoy.
For us, this past week was filled with death. In our family, we suffered the loss of four family members in the span of seven days:
- Randy’s 83-year-old aunt
- Nina’s 57-year-old cousin
- The 27-year-old stepdaughter of Nina’s niece
- Nina’s 89-year-old uncle.
You can imagine the elderly were not a surprise, but the two younger came as a shock. However, we grieve the loss of all four, all in the same week. The rapid-fire blows to our emotions seemed to settle on us like a dark cloud oppressing from all sides.
Add to that the fact that we are living in the middle of a pandemic and are limited by social distancing at a time when people need their people most of all. It’s been a strange experience, in that two of them will not be honored with any kind of a gathering until months later, when experts declare it’s clear to come together. For another, our family of over one hundred was limited to a total of ten at the graveside service, and those ten required to remain six feet apart. My uncle’s service was limited to my aunt and their immediate children. The grandchildren and any other attendees were required to remain in their cars, where they could access the service through their car radios. The burial was observed from inside their cars. No hugging. No verbal encouragement. Only visual presence.
It’s too much. Or is it?
That depends upon your perspective.
It feels like we are covered by a cloud that is dark and oppressive because it’s death. Their time with us is final and we can’t get them back. That’s how I was feeling way back in 1986 when my grandmother died—I didn’t get to say goodbye and I wanted her back with me. But my mom’s perspective on death took those feelings and totally flipped my perspective. When she termed death as part of life, it lessened the sting of finality.
Over the years, through experiences of many losses, I’ve come to a more eternal perspective about death. That’s how my mom flipped my thinking. She saw life as more than just what we live on this earth. She embraced an eternal perspective of life, which translates to an eternal perspective of dying. In eternity’s terms, physical death is like a stepping stone into eternal living. Death is a transition from mortality into eternity.
In this eternal perspective, that dark and oppressive cloud covering is backed up by glowing rays of eternity that shine out from behind the shadows and eventually surround our grief with hope—faith in future living that will never come to an end.
I’m not saying that with an eternal perspective, we don’t grieve. Grief is a very God-like, God-given emotion, meaning we are like God when we grieve over our losses. The study of God reveals many instances of God grieving, and even describes Him as being well-acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3, for one reference).
I find that when I cry out to God in my grief, He understands my hurting, and He consoles and comforts me during my grieving. Sometimes the consolation comes from someone I love, and other times I am consoled by reading and remembering the promises of God. Scripture defines God as The God of All Comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3) who consoles us in all our troubles. He is a God who understands how we hurt when we are forced to let go of those we love. Understanding our hurt, God sends comfort to His child in the ways that will most effectively speak to their grief in that moment. His is a supernatural way of loving that translates into peace of mind and the resting of our hearts.
It seems the only way to come to this eternal perspective is through a relationship with God, based on what is recorded in scripture about life with God. According to the Bible, each person gets to choose God’s way or their own way. That choice defines eternity for that person.
So every time I come face-to-face with death, I’m very sad in the deep loss of one I love. But when I know that loved one chose God’s way, I know that they have stepped into eternity with the Giver of Life, where their life will never again end.
It’s only natural to grieve the loss. But it’s supernatural to find peace and joy and comfort and hope simultaneously while grieving that loss.
When we look at life and view death through the eyes of God, living under the cloud cover of right here, right now is not permanently gray. Those rays of light, peeking out from behind, shine hope into our grief: the confident assurance that when it’s my turn to make that transition, eternity will be mine to share with those who stepped into it ahead of me.
After all, how good will it be to constantly live with God, the Giver of Life, whose every intention toward us is only love? How good will it be to never think of death again? How good to be living in Forever, where living the perfect life will be our only option? These are some of the ways God describes eternity with Him, following life here on earth.
Thinking of death takes me to spiritual places. How do you manage your thought processes during grief?
Nina, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your and Randy’s loved ones. That is a lot to take in seven days. I am so thankful for your eternal perspective that has helped you navigate this difficult week.
One of the blessings of our quarantine time has been God talks with my granddaughter, Ellie. Many of them have revolved around the recent death of her maternal great grandfather and paternal great grandmother. At an early age, she understands that death is not only a part of life, but that eternal life with our Heavenly Daddy is the hope of all believers. On days when I have felt a little sad about my dad’s passing, she has encouraged and reminded me that we will see him again in heaven! I am thankful that hard times are often fertile ground for amazing God conversations.
Thank you for your perspective on this subject and for reminding us that, as believers, we mourn with hope.
What a gift to be having God-talks with Ellie! Sounds like she’s intuitive and sensitive to how you’re feeling. I love that she comforts and encourages you…so sweet. I think we can learn from our Grands. They model true faith in a beautiful way :)
Nina,
As always your words are comforting, carefully thought out and straight from God’s word! I love you my friend and sister in Christ. I’m praying for you and your sweet extended family as you accept our new normal in these current times. In my heart I want to bake you a pie and hug your neck and then just sit and visit about how God is still on the throne and still in control. I am here if you need me. Love you!❤
Thanks, Di! I can virtually taste your pie & feel your hug through this page right now! And I always enjoy discussing spiritual things with you! Thanks, Friend!
Nina, I am so so sorry to hear about all of the loss that your family has had this past week. I know that this kind of loss is always difficult. We do have things that we do to help us walk through the grief and loss. I think that sharing with others, talking about memories, hugging , crying together, encouraging,and celebrating those we love are all ways to help us move through our loss and grief. The environment of our lives during this time of self-isolation has made it so very hard for so many. I am not sure how those that don’t know God have navigated these moments. Turning to our heavenly Father for comfort and guidance and wisdom doesn’t take away the loss or pain , but it does help us to navigate those moments with peace and a different perspective , as you have stated. I am praying that our heavenly Father is very close to you and your entire family , showering you with peace, comfort , and joy , even in the midst of hard and different times. Love you .
Thank you Vickie. I agree with everything you said. And your prayers have been answered, because we have experienced peace of mind, comfort in our hearts, and even joy in our souls in the middle of our sadness. I think that is only possible through the love of God.
So sorry for your loss Nina and Randy. I have many thoughts about what we are living through right now, but funeral restrictions are by far the hardest for me to accept. God has a plan that is much better than any I have so I lean into Him and wait. Love you guys from afar.
Thank you Hal. Your eternal perspective about life right now is encouraging. I think you have found the secret: “lean in to Him and wait”. That’s a good place to be…secure, sensible, stable. Love you both!
Oh my heart is So Blessed by all of these perspectives. It really helps me in my own grief process, to know that others believe the way I do. Heaven is The Prize Place to BE! How can we be sad when our loved ones are experiencing the highest form of love and light and happiness…It’s unfathomable!
Yes Lola! The sadness we feel is for our own personal loss, but the gladness of knowing they have stepped into eternal life carries us forward. It truly is unfathomable!
Nina,
Thank you for sharing. It is encouraging that even through grief God is there to carry, comfort & give us peace through Jesus Christ His Son that died on a cross for our sins so we can have hope in eternal life. That we will share with Him & our loved ones because we choose to believe that Jesus is God’s son. That He died on the cross & arose to go prepare a place for us. When we ask Him to forgive us of our many sins that He gave His life for. Hallelujah what a glorious day when I meet my Jesus. Oh glorious day.
My daughter Kindell husband, loss his Grandma this week & are having the same difficulties of dealing with the anxiety of family gathering to share their love & loss of this beautiful precious lady.
Praying for you & your family. So very sorry of the loss of so many in such a short time. My heart is breaking for you as well as celebrating their lives in heaven.
Love, thoughts & prayers.
Vel Mills
Vel, I’ll be in prayer for your son-in-law’s family during this time. In the words of Paul, “We do not grieve as those who have no hope.” (1 Thess. 4:13) It is our great hope in future glory that keeps us going in the here and now :)
I almost feel a “holy jealousy” of my husband, Tom, who passed into eternity 3 months ago. I remain and he is experiencing all of heaven, Your words were truthful and faith-filled. God is so completely near to the broken-hearted.
Rose, I’m glad you are feeling the nearness of God. “Holy jealousy”…such a good term. I’ve heard others like you express the same feelings. I hope you remember I am praying for you every day!
Oh Nina. You have had a lot of grief over the last year, not just the few weeks. My Dad had a similar saying as your sweet Mom, did. “Death is just part of it.” He was eternally focused, too. I am so appreciate of your entire family in my life and the impact they have had on me. I look forward to seeing both our Dad’s someday.
Like you, Sheila, I’m very grateful for those who’ve led me to think in eternal terms. Both our Dads gave us that gift. Your family holds a special place in my heart!
Thanks Nina, I to look to God for comfort. It’s sad the losses we have but comfort in knowing they are free of pain and in his presence. So sorry for your losses. We lost my step brother in law also this last week. Love suzanne
Sorry for your loss this week too, Suzanne. I’ll be in prayer over your family for peace and comfort.
Thank you, Nina, for this meaningful blog! Brought tears to my eyes–so very sad for your losses–and yet, in the midst of your sorrow, you offered soothing, comforting answers from the Word. Loved your mom’s answer! Death surely is part of our life experience and how we approach it makes all the difference. Love all that you have shared in past blogs. Keep writing and blessing us with your wisdom!
So very sorry about your losses. Your ideas that came from your very smart mom in this blog put things in perspective. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Love you 9a.
Thank you, Pam. I know you have experienced great loss as well, and I think you understand the comfort of God. Love you!
Thanks Pat, for your encouragement. Answers from the Word of God–so alive and powerful! I think you’ll agree that letting the Word of God answer our emotions carries us into the most effective ways to get through our days.