So, one of my friends, a young mom, PM’d me today with this question:
If you have tips on how to be quiet and reserved with your children, do share please!! … I try to keep my cool with my girls but it’s so hard sometimes in the heat of a moment with them. And I’m finding myself yelling so much with them lately. I need help!!
I started to just reply to her, but as I thought about it, I figure there are a few hundred other young moms who’d ask the same question. Let’s talk about this: How does a Mom keep her cool in the heat of the moment?
You don’t have to look very far to find plenty resources on behavior modification that list step-by-step ways to keep your cool. I mean,
- stop and count to 10,
- imagine yourself relaxing on a beach,
- eat chocolate first (it releases endorphins, LOL), and you know the list goes on.
But really! What we’re asking is for “cool” to be our default, right? Modifying behavior is helpful, but it’s only sustainable for as long as we take those definite steps toward the modification. When the moment really heats up, and I forget to stop and count to 10, then I’m right back to my old self: my carotid artery bulges, my mouth spews and my gut gets tied up in a knot…and the heat of the moment has escalated, throwing flames and burning those I love most, my children. Are ya feelin’ me?
I remember a “moment” that got quite heated when our first daughter was discovering who she was (that’s my nice way of telling you she was in her early teens), and we were disagreeing about I-don’t-even-remember-what. The “moment” had heated to the point we were both crying–the teenage girl AND her mom!
Cari cried, “Well I’ve never been a teenager before!”
I replied through tears, “Well, I’ve never been the Mom of a teenager before!”
And that’s the moment I realized that I had some growing up to do, just like my teenage daughter had some growing up to do. THAT was sobering. I thought I was mature, a good mom; I thought I really had it going on as her Mom. Truth be told, I was as immature in my mothering her as she was in her teenagering.
Here’s the thing: when we get squeezed, what’s on the inside is going to ooze out.
The mom who’s done what I call “some personal work”, landing in a healthy place, will respond from that healthy place, see past the present and perceive the truth of the moment. The healthy Mom will recognize the underlying issue in herself and her children, then come to a place of peace–the place where she and her children can make the moment right, whatever it takes.
If we want to raise healthy children, we must become healthy Moms. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is a true story for impressionable children. And by healthy, I mean physically, mentally, emotionally…the whole person!
When Cari and I had our “moment” I realized the best way to raise her to be healthy was to be healthy myself. The Truth Hurts. But really–it’s true. More is caught than taught in familial relationships. So what’s a Mom to do?
Here’s what I learned, and it proved true in parenting the next 2 daughters as well: the way I think determines the way I act.
This is a truth I’ve observed in various cultures, life stages and every lifestyle past and present. I come to this from a Christian perspective. By Christian, I don’t mean a religion–I’m referring to a relationship with Jesus Christ. In this relationship, we learn to live the Way of Christ. Living the Way of Christ positions us to live healthily in the physical, mental and emotional realms.
Step 1 for Cool Mom Moments: Intentional Thinking
- Intentional Thinking is controlled thinking. I’m not referring to some weird brainwashed mindset. Every Christ-follower is positioned for Jesus Christ to control his or her thinking. Jesus is all and only love, so his control is all and only loving
- You can read about this in the Bible, 1 Corinthians 2:13-16. Read it for yourself and notice the final phrase: “…we have the mind of Christ.” It’s a promise for every Christ-follower. Christ lives in you. You have in you His way of thinking. Already! You got it when you trusted Him for salvation! So where is it?, you may ask.
- The Mind of Christ is in your heart, ready to be awakened and activated by you. How? You awaken and activate the Mind of Christ as you get to know him. How do you get to know him? Just like you get to know anyone else you love: spend time with him, listen to him, learn about him…learn HIM.
The more I learned about Jesus, the more I loved him. That’s how this relationship works. We experience his love, we love him back, he loves us more, we love him more, he keeps proving his love to us, and we continue to build on that reciprocal love.
(Doesn’t this sound like the kind of relationship you want with your children? Lifelong? Loving Jesus is good practice for loving our children!)
We see the value of Jesus’ great love and we want more…and we want to give him more of ourselves. And pretty soon, we determine to give him our thinking patterns…let him control our minds. We make up our minds to think like he thinks, see people like he sees people, respond rather than react…we HAVE the mind of Christ!
If you are a Christ-follower who is a Mom, you HAVE the mind of Christ!
Intentional Thinking means you have control over the things that rattle around in your head. You have control over what you allow to remain and take root. You have control over what you kick out.
It’s a true statement: what comes out of our mouths is what’s in our hearts. Do you spew or do you spread? Just something to think about.
Here’s a little “personal work” you might consider today. Let’s ask some questions of ourselves:
- What buttons are easily pushed on me as a Mom, escalating my emotions in the heat of the moment?
- What line of thinking can I trace the buttons to? (i.e. I expect perfection from my kids; My kids drive me crazy; I’m too tired/busy/used up to deal with this nonsense, etc.)
- Does this thought pattern match the Mind of Christ (i.e. Jesus was humble, kind, truthful, compassionate, patient, strong, sensitive, loving, forgiving, peaceable, gentle, etc. Jesus always acted on what was right, what was best, always teaching, always leading in love, pointing toward God’s Ways.)
- What needs to change in my way of thinking so that I can have The Mind of Christ toward my children?
What I learned in the heat of that moment with Cari was that in order for her to change her ways of thinking, I had to change my way of thinking…I could not rightfully expect her to make changes I was not willing to make myself.
If you’re a Christ-following Mom who doesn’t want to lose her mind–even when your kids go freakin’ crazy!–remember this promise: You Have the Mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16). Spend time with him, asking him to show you when your thoughts are not matching up with his thoughts. He will do it! And he will empower you to flip your thinking!
Know Him so you think like Him.